angry desperate hope

I woke up today, as I do most days, sad. 

(No not because of Valentine's Day...although I think it's the dumbest holiday ever.) 

To be honest, there's not a whole lot that makes me not sad these days. 

I'm sure that is a surprise to most (hopefully), especially those who have been in my presence. I have gotten pretty good at looking happy.

Or at least happier then I am. 

Don't get me wrong, I have my happy moments, but my sadness and depression far outweighs the happy at this point. 

You see, I expected my life to be a lot different by now. 

No, I don't mean having Phoenix here, although let's be honest, I wish for that every day.

I mean, I expected God to show up by now. 

Ha.

It looks ridiculous to actually type that out and not just think it. 

But truly...It has almost been nine months since Phoenix passed.

NINE.

Nine months ago, Stephen and I joked about maybe "accidentally" getting pregnant after nine months of waiting, even tho the doctor told us to wait twelve months. 

We're not even close to being able to think about getting pregnant again. 

Not even close. 

And I am angry. 

I am angry that God has not shown up yet. 

I am angry that Phoenix's death doesn't make sense yet...even though I know, it might never make sense to me.

I am angry. 

But at the same time, I know my anger must just look so petty to God. Not that He doesn't hurt when I hurt, and not that He is a cold hearted God.

I know my anger looks petty to God because God knows what's coming. 

He knows what my future holds; what is on the horizon for team Hull. 

When Symphony was a baby I remember trying to hustle and put together her lunch while she screamed in her highchair. I remember thinking to myself, "wow...this must be what God feels like when I complain and whine about my life." 

I am currently a baby crying in my highchair. Crying for a solution to my problem.

Meanwhile God; unfazed, unfrazzled, unchanged, works for my good. 

Even when it feels like He is no where even remotely close. 

Currently I am in a season of not hearing. 

A season of not hearing God. 

It is so frustrating. 

I am angry. 

I am angry that He has not shown up yet. 

Yet. 

I know He is near...but I cannot hear Him. 

So for those of you who lift up team Hull every day in prayer, I thank you. Truly, I desperately thank you. 

We still need it. 

See, to us, it still feels like just yesterday. 

To us, it does not feel like almost nine months have gone by. 

To us, your prayers are getting us through this season of not hearing. 

Thank you. 

Please know, that I still have hope. 

Right now, it's just more like angry desperate hope. 

But it is still hope.